 
About "The Beginning"
(description from Ellen Shop)
Quotes
"That is a strong addiction, the need of approval. I'm on the patch right now. It releases small doses of approval until I no longer crave it."
"Do we still need directions on the back of a shampoo bottle? Oh yea, I said it! Who's shampooing for the first time, anybody?"
"It's about the size of a quarter in the palm of your hand. No it can't be two dimes and a nickel."
"No I can't help you with the conditioner. You're going to need to call that number on your own."
"Ever notice sometimes an ant will pick up a dead ant and walk around with that dead ant, carrying that around? That's so it can get into the carpool lane."
"Did you hear about Chris [a spider]? Sneaker. And now Stephanie has 900 babies to raise all on her own. She's got her legs full I'll tell you that right now."
"They say we use 10% of our brain. 10% of our brain and I think imagine what we could accomplish if we used the other 60%."
"I know I have ADD because I don't have the patience to go and find out if I have ADD."
"I always say something about Gloria Estefan. I'm telling you it works. If you can commit to it, she can work into any conversation you can possibly... They could be like, 'what's Gloria Estefan got to do with copper plumming?' and you're like, 'Gloria Estefan's the copper plumming of the music industry is all.'"
"Oh is that how it works, you've already started writing so you can't stop? Ok, well I would like ot not hit you but my fist is already in the air."
"'Oh you're full of toxins.' 'You're full of toxins. What a stupid thing to say to me.'"
"Oh the health food store security guard. What's his name, whispering pine?"
"And then it hit me. Ok, you're out of rum."
"Please be compassionate, idiot."
"I'm not gunna look like a crazy person driving around with a naked passenger. I'm not stupid."
"The cop said 'you have the right to remain silent' and I was like 'finally! That's what I've been looking for all along.'"
"I gotta remember that money in the pants money in the pants money in the pants. What's in the pants? Money. Money in the pants. M in the P M in the P M in the P. Ugh, now I have to pee."
"I'd like to see how far they'll go to help you if you tell them your bra's in your ass. 'Oh my. It's in the ass? Do you need a different size or color? I don't know what to do about the bra in the ass.'"
"That's how they get you. If they tell you your ass looks fabulous you're buying it. 'That blouse makes your ass look fabulous. Is that your bra? Well, it makes your ass look fabulous.'"
"I would think that would be a tough day even for the most liberal parents, the day you bring the goat home. 'Mom, Dad, this is Billy. We are in love.'"
"You can't even believe how many pictures of Jesus there were. Picture of Jesus on a pony with a cowboy hat. Picture of Jesus on the beach with a t-shirt that said 'My parents created the universe and all I got was this lowsy t-shirt.'"
"I would say she [God] was about 47, 48 years old, just beautiful, beautiful black woman."
"I was walking out the door and I turned around and I said, 'God, I have to say I'm sorry. I am so sorry that we're killing all the animals. I'm so sorry that we're chopping down all the trees. I'm sorry we're filled with hate instead of love. And I'm sorry that we call each other names and judge each other. I'm sorry that we go to war and kill each other. I'm sorry.' And she was silent for a few seconds and then she looked at me and she said, 'Have you seen Gloria Estefan's hair lately?'"
Cheese
Let's say for instance I'm out of cheese. Ok and then I'll think oh, but what if I go to the store and they're out of cheese? I'd be like 'how can you be out of cheese?' And they'd be like 'What do you mean how can we be out of cheese? You're out of cheese. People run out of cheese.' Then I'd be like 'Yea, but you're a store. You should have cheese stocked up in the back for people like me come in looking for cheese.' And that's when they send the manager over who think she's so cool for being the manager cause his picture's framed in the front of the store cause he's the manager, you know. And he'd be like 'What seems to be the problem m'am?' Which to me is so condescending like 'little lady,' you know? And I'd be like 'The little lady's problem is-' He'd be like 'Who's the little lady?' I'd be like 'Shut up and listen to me. You're out of cheese and I want some.' And he's like 'Well how about some cottage cheese?' like he's gunna negotiate the situation. He's a diplomat cause he's the manager, you know. And I'd be like 'I don't want cottage cheese. I want cheddar cheese. Sharp cheddar cheese is was I came in for. Sharp cheddar cheese and cottage cheese are not the same thing. Just cause they have the name cheese in the title doesn't make it a cheese at all. That'd be like going to a musical instrument store and saying I'd like to buy a trumpet and they say I'm sorry we're all out of trumpets, but would you like a shoe horn? See that's not the same thing is it Mr Manager?' Thank you for the shoe horn, you know. And he starts getting all nervous and everything cause a crowd starts forming and he's feeling humiliated cause they're all sitting around mumbling 'what seems to be the problem?' 'I don't know she wants some cheese." And so he just slaps me right across the face and so that's when Skip the part time guy who works there who hates the manager cause he thinks he's so cool for being the manager and treats Skip like shit cause he's just the part time guys and Skip's gunna quit in the fall and go back to school anyway. He doesn't even need the money, he's from a wealthy family. He's just doing it for the experience cause his family wants him to work one summer. So anyways he takes the hose and he goes to spray the manager right in the eye, right. And so, but that's when he was leaning down to pick up the cottage cheese so he misses him and he gets this old woman who's standing right behind him and she's there picking out an avocado cause the older you get the less you eat and all she wants is the avocado. So she screams out 'My eye! I've been sprayed in the eye with a produce hose.' And so that's when her nephew who's visiting from Austin, Texas is just two aisles over picking out tortillas chips cause he thinks they're gunna have some guacamoli, little does he know it's one avocado and so he starts running 'I'll help you aunt so-and-so' running and then he slips on the water from the produce hose; breaks his leg, breaks his arm, bruises two ribs right there, gets a stitch put in his cheek bone, just one but still it's a stitch. Chaos breaks out and it's all over hard copy and entertainment tonight, access hollywood: 'Lesbian demands cheese, causes riot!' And I'm like I don't even want the cheese."
|
